Lost Sketches

Posted by | June 14, 2014 | Television | No Comments

Below is some sketch comedy outlines I submitted for a TV show. They didn’t make the cut but I still think they are pretty funny!

 

Jesus gets Bounced

Everyone is lined up to get into the hottest club in Jerusalem. Jesus gets stopped from getting into a club by a bouncer.
Don’t you know who I am?
I’m sorry sir, please step aside.
The bouncer spots Judas and points him out, waving him over, “Hey Judas come on in.”
Judas how could you. [Judas steps behind the red rope] Sorry Jesus I know the owner.
Mary Magdalene walks straight through. The bouncer says Hi Mary, and gives her a kiss.
“Really? Mary? That is the standard here? Come on,” Jesus says in disgust.
What about me, I promised all my disciples a good time tonight.
Sorry sir but we must keep the ratio of women to men in here, we don’t want it to become a sausage factory.
I was going to walk on water tonight.
That’s what they all say after a few drinks.
Are you hungry? Do you like fish
I’m sorry sir I do not take bribes.
Who do you think you are god?

The Emotional Baggage Claim

Two women sit together on an aeroplane, they walk through airport lounge. Sign above says ‘Emotional Baggage Claim” Level one. They reach the baggage claim, where they are greeted by a woman. Do you have your baggage claim receipt. Yes, She says and hands it over. Okay lets see what you’ve got here, daddy issues, trust issues, childhood neglect, abusive relationship, here you are madam. She hands over a very heavy bag.  She struggles to carry it as she walks away. The other woman looks on horrified. A man gives his receipt, Anger issues for you sir, she hands him a boxing gear bag, thanks for flying with us. The next women in line nervously hands in her receipt. I am sorry miss, it seems we have lost your baggage. Oh Thank God! She exclaims. I guess I no longer have a resentful mother.

The lonely sock Adoption Agency
Someone owns a sock adoption agency. They place socks that have previously been orphaned, found by themselves without their pair in the dryer. Mother Sock places these socks in new homes and pairs them up with new partners.
A couple walk into the store looking to adopt a sock.
Anything you are looking for in particular?
Well I hope we can be discreet about this but we would much prefer a black sock.
Sir, I will not stand for any discrimination against any of my socks, they all deserved to be placed in a strong loving family and given a chance to flourish.
Yes but, well I lost one of my socks and it was black, and needs to be paired again, he is quite lonely, hasn’t been worn in months, just sitting in the back of my cupboard.
I understand, tell me more about this sock, stripes, patterns, 100% cotton?

Gangsta with Toilet Paper Issues

A drug kingpin walks through shopping centre with a bag of groceries in his left hand and a 16 pack of toilet paper on his right shoulder. His second in command confronts him.

What are you doing man? We are trying to run these streets. How will people fear us if you are walking around in public with toilet paper on your shoulder?
Well it doesn’t fit in a plastic bag.
Why did you have to get 16 rolls?
It’s cheaper to buy in bulk
Ridiculous man
Well it runs out.
What if del gato saw you out here looking like this?
The confrontation escalates.
Well did you at least buy some tissues as well, we are out of tissues. <end>

The Invention of the Phone

A man travels from the future back to when Alexander bell invented the phone. Alexander Bell is excited, he just invented the phone! The man dressed in modern day clothes is relieved he’s here, he looks at his “time machine/watch” and then yells out, “Alexander Bell stop right there. I can’t take these photos of girls in the bathroom, I can’t take all these photos of food. It is out of control it has to stop.”
“What are you talking about? I just invented the phone.”
“You don’t understand in the future girls use it to take endless photos of themselves, with these horrible duck faces, in their bathrooms.”
“But it’s a phone, you use it to talk to someone else.”
You have no idea what you just started mate.
He also tries to explain the internet, and people no longer talking to each other in real life because of the phone. Alexander Bell becomes flustered and loses all excitement. The man shops him a new phone, Bell loves it, is engrossed with it and begins ignoring the man.

Doctor who talks like a Reality TV Show host
A patient goes to see a doctor to get his test results.  The doctor used to host a reality TV program. He keeps speaking like a TV host. He places an inordinate amount of pauses between the words in his sentences. He keeps delaying giving his patient the results and dragging it out and the patient becomes increasingly frustrated.

Becoming Unemployed at an employment assistant agency
A woman is instructing job seekers on life. You have to never give up. You need to get up in the morning with a reason to live. You can’t just accept where you are she instructs the largely disinterested group. All forced to be there.  You have certain obligations you need to meet as a job seeker she continues. A man comes in the door and interrupts her. He whispers in her ear. She is completely shocked. He has fired her. Suddenly she loses all hope.  She wallows in self pity. Saying how she will never ever get a job again. I’ve got an astrophysicist in here, she says pointing to one of the attendees, what hope have I got.

My housemate is a witch

Dinner party between friends. They arrive at the apartment. A man pulls his friend aside. Listen man I think my housemate is a witch. Are you crazy? What makes you think that? She can cook fettuccini in a small saucepan without one strand sticking together. She knows everybody’s name before I even tell them. His friend gets more and more nervous as he sees the signs that she could in fact be a witch. He tries to find out if she has cast any spells lately.

Wow Sandra, the way you cooked that fettuccini was incredible. How did you do it?
I guess I’ve just got that magic touch.

A depressed writer continues writing children’s books

A successful children’s book writer has his wife leave him and becomes depressed but he continues to write children’s books. His editor/book publisher confronts him and tells him he must stop writing these books while he is in this state of mind. Look Where in the detention centre is Carmen san diego and James and the giant speech impediment are not books I can sell. You need to snap out of it. You’ve gone from happy the clown, to that bitch took everything, and trust me that is not suitable for children. The depressed writer is so depressed he ignores all her pleas and she becomes increasingly frustrated.
The Stabbing Sneezer

At office, the secretary sneezes and when she sneezes it sounds like she is being stabbed. Boss rushes in ready to save her. All she needs is a tissue. He goes back to his job. She starts sneezing/screaming again. The cleaner comes rushing in, is everything okay? I heard someone screaming in pain. She is oblivious to the fact her sneeze sounds like she is in severe pain.

 

Toe Cramp while Driving

Someone has a toe cramp while they are driving, he thinks he’s going to die. The passenger tries to talk him through it. He is desperate to put pressure on his toe, but that is the accelerator and he is driving in heavy traffic. He starts to completely freak out.
Oh God
What is it?
Toe Cramp
I normally put pressure on it.
It’s your right foot man and we are in a 40 zone!
They get to the curb, he gets out of the car and starts jumping on his foot and extending his toes.
He gets back in the car and starts driving.
oh shit
what
finger cramp <end>

Therapy Sale – This week only!

A therapist decides to hold a stocktake sale at his clinic. This week only. He is trying to get his staff to promote the idea but they are put off by it. Look this is a great chance to promote myself he says, it’s  25% off emotional trauma, 30% off mental anguish and 70% off an inferiority complex. His receptionist implores him, you can’t put a price on those things. I’ve been putting a price on them my whole career my dear, he says condescendingly.

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