Lost Sketches

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Below is some sketch comedy outlines I submitted for a TV show. They didn’t make the cut but I still think they are pretty funny!

 

Jesus gets Bounced

Everyone is lined up to get into the hottest club in Jerusalem. Jesus gets stopped from getting into a club by a bouncer.
Don’t you know who I am?
I’m sorry sir, please step aside.
The bouncer spots Judas and points him out, waving him over, “Hey Judas come on in.”
Judas how could you. [Judas steps behind the red rope] Sorry Jesus I know the owner.
Mary Magdalene walks straight through. The bouncer says Hi Mary, and gives her a kiss.
“Really? Mary? That is the standard here? Come on,” Jesus says in disgust.
What about me, I promised all my disciples a good time tonight.
Sorry sir but we must keep the ratio of women to men in here, we don’t want it to become a sausage factory.
I was going to walk on water tonight.
That’s what they all say after a few drinks.
Are you hungry? Do you like fish
I’m sorry sir I do not take bribes.
Who do you think you are god?

The Emotional Baggage Claim

Two women sit together on an aeroplane, they walk through airport lounge. Sign above says ‘Emotional Baggage Claim” Level one. They reach the baggage claim, where they are greeted by a woman. Do you have your baggage claim receipt. Yes, She says and hands it over. Okay lets see what you’ve got here, daddy issues, trust issues, childhood neglect, abusive relationship, here you are madam. She hands over a very heavy bag.  She struggles to carry it as she walks away. The other woman looks on horrified. A man gives his receipt, Anger issues for you sir, she hands him a boxing gear bag, thanks for flying with us. The next women in line nervously hands in her receipt. I am sorry miss, it seems we have lost your baggage. Oh Thank God! She exclaims. I guess I no longer have a resentful mother.

The lonely sock Adoption Agency
Someone owns a sock adoption agency. They place socks that have previously been orphaned, found by themselves without their pair in the dryer. Mother Sock places these socks in new homes and pairs them up with new partners.
A couple walk into the store looking to adopt a sock.
Anything you are looking for in particular?
Well I hope we can be discreet about this but we would much prefer a black sock.
Sir, I will not stand for any discrimination against any of my socks, they all deserved to be placed in a strong loving family and given a chance to flourish.
Yes but, well I lost one of my socks and it was black, and needs to be paired again, he is quite lonely, hasn’t been worn in months, just sitting in the back of my cupboard.
I understand, tell me more about this sock, stripes, patterns, 100% cotton?

Gangsta with Toilet Paper Issues

A drug kingpin walks through shopping centre with a bag of groceries in his left hand and a 16 pack of toilet paper on his right shoulder. His second in command confronts him.

What are you doing man? We are trying to run these streets. How will people fear us if you are walking around in public with toilet paper on your shoulder?
Well it doesn’t fit in a plastic bag.
Why did you have to get 16 rolls?
It’s cheaper to buy in bulk
Ridiculous man
Well it runs out.
What if del gato saw you out here looking like this?
The confrontation escalates.
Well did you at least buy some tissues as well, we are out of tissues. <end>

The Invention of the Phone

A man travels from the future back to when Alexander bell invented the phone. Alexander Bell is excited, he just invented the phone! The man dressed in modern day clothes is relieved he’s here, he looks at his “time machine/watch” and then yells out, “Alexander Bell stop right there. I can’t take these photos of girls in the bathroom, I can’t take all these photos of food. It is out of control it has to stop.”
“What are you talking about? I just invented the phone.”
“You don’t understand in the future girls use it to take endless photos of themselves, with these horrible duck faces, in their bathrooms.”
“But it’s a phone, you use it to talk to someone else.”
You have no idea what you just started mate.
He also tries to explain the internet, and people no longer talking to each other in real life because of the phone. Alexander Bell becomes flustered and loses all excitement. The man shops him a new phone, Bell loves it, is engrossed with it and begins ignoring the man.

Doctor who talks like a Reality TV Show host
A patient goes to see a doctor to get his test results.  The doctor used to host a reality TV program. He keeps speaking like a TV host. He places an inordinate amount of pauses between the words in his sentences. He keeps delaying giving his patient the results and dragging it out and the patient becomes increasingly frustrated.

Becoming Unemployed at an employment assistant agency
A woman is instructing job seekers on life. You have to never give up. You need to get up in the morning with a reason to live. You can’t just accept where you are she instructs the largely disinterested group. All forced to be there.  You have certain obligations you need to meet as a job seeker she continues. A man comes in the door and interrupts her. He whispers in her ear. She is completely shocked. He has fired her. Suddenly she loses all hope.  She wallows in self pity. Saying how she will never ever get a job again. I’ve got an astrophysicist in here, she says pointing to one of the attendees, what hope have I got.

My housemate is a witch

Dinner party between friends. They arrive at the apartment. A man pulls his friend aside. Listen man I think my housemate is a witch. Are you crazy? What makes you think that? She can cook fettuccini in a small saucepan without one strand sticking together. She knows everybody’s name before I even tell them. His friend gets more and more nervous as he sees the signs that she could in fact be a witch. He tries to find out if she has cast any spells lately.

Wow Sandra, the way you cooked that fettuccini was incredible. How did you do it?
I guess I’ve just got that magic touch.

A depressed writer continues writing children’s books

A successful children’s book writer has his wife leave him and becomes depressed but he continues to write children’s books. His editor/book publisher confronts him and tells him he must stop writing these books while he is in this state of mind. Look Where in the detention centre is Carmen san diego and James and the giant speech impediment are not books I can sell. You need to snap out of it. You’ve gone from happy the clown, to that bitch took everything, and trust me that is not suitable for children. The depressed writer is so depressed he ignores all her pleas and she becomes increasingly frustrated.
The Stabbing Sneezer

At office, the secretary sneezes and when she sneezes it sounds like she is being stabbed. Boss rushes in ready to save her. All she needs is a tissue. He goes back to his job. She starts sneezing/screaming again. The cleaner comes rushing in, is everything okay? I heard someone screaming in pain. She is oblivious to the fact her sneeze sounds like she is in severe pain.

 

Toe Cramp while Driving

Someone has a toe cramp while they are driving, he thinks he’s going to die. The passenger tries to talk him through it. He is desperate to put pressure on his toe, but that is the accelerator and he is driving in heavy traffic. He starts to completely freak out.
Oh God
What is it?
Toe Cramp
I normally put pressure on it.
It’s your right foot man and we are in a 40 zone!
They get to the curb, he gets out of the car and starts jumping on his foot and extending his toes.
He gets back in the car and starts driving.
oh shit
what
finger cramp <end>

Therapy Sale – This week only!

A therapist decides to hold a stocktake sale at his clinic. This week only. He is trying to get his staff to promote the idea but they are put off by it. Look this is a great chance to promote myself he says, it’s  25% off emotional trauma, 30% off mental anguish and 70% off an inferiority complex. His receptionist implores him, you can’t put a price on those things. I’ve been putting a price on them my whole career my dear, he says condescendingly.

The Art of You

Posted by | Film/Video, Life, Poetry | No Comments

The greatest enemy/ that we will ever face (yeah?)
Is ourselves/and that’s the base
of human existence/battle hardened warriors (wicha)
lose in an instance/ turned to emotional worriers
trauma begins/our mind masturbates
no understanding/and explanations fabricate
elaborate/on myths generating hate
that we create/misunderstandings complicate (complicated)
relationships/broken from problems so lightweight
the mastery of the mind/removes these issues off our plate (gone)
dastardly deeds/ keep em moving just like freight
spend your time dealing in the real/ not the fake
weighed down the nonexistent/drama creeps around
break down emotional frowns/flipped upside down
take sound advice from friends/and family in your life
but ultimately only you/can manage strain and strife
Pain can hurt you for years/or it can hurt you for seconds
That’s why your own mind/is such a powerful weapon
It can bring you to tears/but it’s all between the ears
Strict training and discipline/and you rid all your fears
So create joy within/and forget about the hating (forget it)
because you never face you’re demons/if you don’t create them
I’m immune to emotional self harm/I create higher living
My mind can overcome/and so can anyone else that’s willing

Its not the art of war like sun tzu
Its the art of you so what you gonna do?
Are you willing to rattle yourself for mental wealth
Are you willing to battle self for mental health
If you are mentally strong/ you overcome obstacles (overcome)
It’s what’s deep within/that gives light to oracles
The onus is on you/for what happens on this earth
Our paths are chosen by ourselves/from the moment of birth
Be aware of your surroundings/ and Control your emotions/
If you start with solid grounding/you avoid all commotions
Some people need to create drama/to draw the attention
The true art of zen needs nada/knowledge is retention
Valuable life lessons/self awareness and reflection
Its true that what is known/never has to be mentioned
Create your own happiness/ and you never have to be fed
Instead of self destruction/choose your better self instead
Its not the art of war like sun tzu
Its the art of you so what you gonna do?
Are you willing to rattle yourself for mental wealth
Are you willing to battle self for mental health

that which creates harmony/ is truly at peace (peace yall)
attack the hardened artery/melt the deep freeze (melt it)
Relax, and be water/then you will be released
for that’s our true armoury/the ability to be at ease
Tranquillity is a state/we all wish to reach/
it’s so simple to attain/there’s no need to preach (no need)
It’s a stable environment/it’s how you use your eyes (use em)
View different angles/use context see truth and lies
Maybe All these ideas/have already been said
From my perspective/it’s from guys already dead
It’s my DNA strand/that creates a positive plan
and hey not every individual/hypothesizes on man
Its not the art of war like sun tzu
Its the art of you so what you gonna do?
Are you willing to rattle yourself for mental wealth
Are you willing to battle self for mental health
Its not the art of war like sun tzu
Its the art of you so what you gonna do?
Are you willing to rattle yourself for mental wealth
Are you willing to battle self for mental health

#Selfies

Posted by | Film/Video, Life, Poetry | No Comments

It’s a modern day affliction
When you’re obsessed with your self
You ain’t got time for no one else
We gotta stop feeding this selfish culture
Selfies, the carcass of humanity
Cameras, the vulture its insanity
when society is off feeding their own ego
you won’t gain the nourishment to truly grow
why’s, it all gotta be attention grabbing
trapped, in all these instagram distractions
Breeding apathy and little satisfaction
all attempts, at forcing a reaction
contempt, at those trying to gain traction
all seeding, the same piece of action
I see it, from presidents to actors
conceit, with the ‘look at me factor’
I’ve discerned, I’m concerned at this trend
that you’re more important than your own friends
when, your fellow man deserves thoughts first
when you think of yourself, then humanity hurts
you get burnt, when paying it backwards
see if the camera is always facing back at ya
you’ll never capture the truth
and all we’ll get is the regression of a parasitic youth

damn

the worlds obsessed with itself
It’s all selfies, never selfless

A true reflection is never found in the mirror
living in a shallow world digging a little deeper

your life broadcast for self validation
damn its causing aggravation
from Facebook to Instagram its endless
a digital world of friends for the friendless
its got me restless for the rest of us
it seems now life is rife with bigging up yourself
now surely that can’t be, good for your health
no encouraging signs your blind to life
why would you capture life instead of living it
because then you end up never being in it
your phone has you living for someone else
just to tell you that you’re gorgeous
now that is just plain torturous
I see the greatest art in history not appreciated
people rather take photos of themselves with it
great art and architecture stands the test of time
but a photo of yourself leaves nothing behind
try creating something that benefits society
because just relaying your life story bores me highly

Brooklyn Nine Nine is the best comedy on TV

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Brooklyn Nine Nine’s first season was one of the strongest first seasons of a comedy in recent years. Most of the great comedy series have taken until season 2 or 3 to really hit their stride. Brooklyn 99 had started to gel as a comedy series halfway through the first season. The characters within the show were quickly established and the chemistry between the amazing ensemble cast had started to produce some hilarious episodes. Credit has to go to the writer/creators Dan Goor and Mike Schur. Having previously worked on The Office and Parks and Recreation it was clear the lessons they had learnt on these two shows helped them develop Brooklyn Nine Nine into a great comedy quickly. Juel Bestrop did some amazing casting. The most genius casting decision was hiring Andre Braugher.

Andre Braugher has done some outstanding work in drama and his work as Detective Frank Pembleton created one of America’s best television characters. There was actually a lot of comedy within Homicide and he continued some of that work in Men of a Certain Age. He can definitely pull off comedy but he has been a revelation in this series. The writers have used him well, giving him dramatic moments to ground the series and giving him outrageous comedic scenes that surprise and shock. Andre’s reaction to the statistical analysis of Moneyball was one of the series funniest scenes. Andy Samberg may have won a Golden Globe but Andre deserves an Emmy for his work in Brooklyn Nine Nine.

The show’s biggest problem in the first series was with it’s star Andy Samberg. It took a while to get the character of Jake Peralta right. Initially he was simply too silly, and when there was too much Peralta it took the show too far away from reality. Although developing the relationship with Santiago may have been an obvious choice the growth in their relationship through the first series helped the character a lot. Seeing Jake have a few more serious moments helped when he then does deliver some great comedy.

The first season had many great episodes. “The Party” was probably the best. Getting the series away from solving a weekly case proved to work wonders. The entire cast visiting Captain Holt at his home and trying to impress him produced some hilarious scenes.  In this episode we also got to meet the Captain’s husband and learn that Holt’s friend actually he thinks he is one of the funniest people they know. The Party was the perfect mix of character development, great interactions between the cast members and sharp writing.

“The Pontiac Bandit” featured a great guest appearance from Craig Robinson. His obsession with Rosa provided some great laughs and it was a smartly written episode that hopefully leads to the return of Robinson in this role. He could prove a great nemesis for Jake.

“Old School” was a great episode which explored the cops of the past with their present day counterparts. It showed the police setting can actually really work for a comedy. Stacey Keach was excellent as an old beat reported comparing the rough cops of the 70s to the present day.

“Sal’s Pizza” featured fire marshal Boone played by Patton Oswalt. The rivalry between the cops and the fire department made for some great scenes as they fought over a case. It also featured Boyle talking about his weekly pizza email blasts and his reviews which take into account “mouth feel.” This was a great character development for Boyle, and was when Joe LoTruglio really started to shine on the show. He quickly started to stand out with his excellent display of physical comedy. I think when he got engaged it started to move away from his best work but thankfully that storyline has ended so we can get back to regular Boyle (not full Boyle).

The key to Brooklyn Nine Nine becoming a great comedy is really about making the audience care about the characters. I think they are well on their way to achieving that. If they can build on the first season they can maintain one of TV’s strongest comedies. Although the show has received great reviews from the critics it has struggled to find an audience. People may have started the show and given up or never given it a chance but if you buy the first season on DVD or Blu-Ray I can guarantee you will end up a fan.

 

Happiness (So Dangerous)

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Happiness is so dangerous…because what happens when it stops?

 

It can hit you like a car crash or a face smash

And you drop off a cliff

Into an abyss

A dark well of depression

Can just set in

Like a fog or a mist

Because you now know what youve missed

You’ve gone from pure bliss

To being pissed

Because I remember those times

When I reached heights unimagined

Like I’d never believed

Emotionally on the top of Mount Kilimanjaro … Feeling the breeze

Walks along sandy beaches

Looking out at sunsets and the beautiful seas

But those moments have a flip side

The come down

And it’s hard to stay balanced

And resist the poisoned chalice

When the pendulums swinging

And your holding on for dear life

You only care that your winning

You have all your ducks in a row

Keep hitting free throw after free throw

Everything’s unlimited

When your convinced

Your an unstoppable force

You can walk on water

Your the boss

And you never have to count the cost

Of a loss

 

Happiness can be so dangerous…because what happens when it stops?

 

For a moment

Life is everything life could want to be

It’s grinning from ear to ear

It’s skipping through forests far and near

It’s joy unparalleled its days that never end

It’s connections so heartfelt

That make your heart melt

Before reality hits

And you start to think

Maybe it’s better not to get so caught up in this

But then you’d never experience the joys and the ups of the ups

They can be ever so fleeting

and i never want to look at the world in a defeating way

Deflating times

Delay your life lines

Drawn out in parallels

Mountains valleys crossed

Love won and lost

That is what creates the human being

That you are seeing in front of you

The seething

Emotional volcano spews forth

Rattled, reminiscent reticent, well all the Arrrgghss you can imagine

Living, breathing, wishing, hoping, the next time it’s more stable

Because Happiness isn’t a fable told in stories or books

It’s real, it exists, it’s bliss, it’s simplicity, it’s trust and understanding

Happiness is a beautiful part of life however it looks

It can be jaded mass created greatness..subtle or just pure elation but in the end

The most important thing to remember

It’s ultimately you who creates it

And like the salt

Of the earth

It has worth

And when it’s birthed

I hope this contagious infectious happiness disease is something you find

I just need to remember…not to get so caught up next time.

 

Ive Always had a devotion to happiness

But it’s an unstable emotion

It’s an intoxicating potion

An elixir to fix ya

It can cure all your ails

Once it sets sail

And you fail

It’s time to bail

Because The higher you reach the greater you fall

And they say falls make you stronger but sometimes they just don’t.

 

Is it better to feel nothing than happiness and sadness

Can’t wipe the smile of your face

The Light

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Allowed to strike/ turned darkness to light
Uplift and take flight/ turn wrongs into right/
Self belief/selfless indeed
proceed to take heed/ & achieve good deeds /

While others continue/ on the daily grind (boring)
I’m wrestling with deeper/ thoughts of the mind (thinking)
I’m a great thinker/ who instinctively lingers (hmm)
on matters of life/ and our very existence
I wrote this to kill it/I know that I’m different (since day 1)
If you notice I live it/these words my resilience (fighting)
it’s a peaceful resistance/enlisting persistence
to reach/ dreams in the distance (stay dreamin)
because life is /just one instance (make it count)
Climbing a mountain /takes gradual steps (baby steps)
Finding your feet /don’t drop to your death
keep myself in good health/stay up not down
And my footprints imprints/ only solid ground
got a spring in my step/a hop in my leap (woo)
the limp of a pimp/my swagga so deep (hah)

I’ve sowed all the seeds/now it’s my time to reap
bleeding light I receive/darkness retrieved/(retrieve
removing the weeds/and leave behind seeds/
that flower and bloom/find light and consume/
this earth don’t assume/i haven’t made room
for dreams thats achieved/ it’s wants vs needs(uh huh)
It’s you vs me /It’s trapped vs free/(your choice)
It’s living lovely with the bubbly attitude
It’s friends and family/ it’s nothing but gratitude
Surround yourself with greatness/if you want to be great(do it)
influencing those around you/with positive mind state
It ain’t blind faith/ if you see the results(Yup)
Seen it too many times/ it’s as constant as pulse(beep/beep)
town to town/It’s my form of expression(rappin)
It’s my thoughts wrapped up/ as a valuable lesson
life can’t be life/ unless it’s constantly testing
But we’ve got each other/ spread love raise your blessings

I’m feeding off/ my friends energy(feelin it)
and attempting to create/ a synergy (zzz)
Music is so/ intrinsically/ (uh ha)
part of me/ and my memories (ahhh)
Every song and composition/Every note that plays I’m living
its like creating a soundtrack to my visions/ (perfect)Dropping me back/ to that a moment in time

where positive vibes/ are the lifeline
Cause I know that joy/ and I know that sound
from the underground/ my  smile is bound
To my favourite song in my playlist (most played)
and thats what inspires me to make this
if you want to feel my joy/then play this
It enlivens my spirit/I hope that you rate this
my soul is shining and i’m bringing the realest (bring it)
its all silver lining and its love if you feel this

Allowed to strike/ turned darkness to light
Uplift and take flight/ turn wrongs into right/
Self belief/selfless indeed
proceed to take heed/ & achieve good deeds /